The Secret of Eternal Life
by McJunker
Summary: Something is offering eternal life. The same way that mobsters would offer a shopkeeper protection. If there was a rating one notch past M, this fic would be there instead.


_**A/N:**_

_**STOP!**_

**_READ WARNING BEFORE PROCEEDING TO STORY._**

This story is horrific. Not badly done, mind- in fact, I'm proud of how it turned out. It's horrific in that as my theme I chose horror. This story is intended to shock and horrify you. If you do not wish to read about sick and terrible things, don't read. If you're offended by this story, then all I can say is that you were given fair warning ahead of time.

That said, if Stephen King can write sickening stories, why can't I?

* * *

><p>Do you want to know the secret of eternal life?<p>

I know it. I'm willing to share it, if you want.

Think on it. Immortality. Life forever. Never get old, never get crippled, never die. You can stave off oblivion forever. If this doesn't appeal, wait until you've stared down the barrel of a gun. Then the thought of avoiding death won't be quite so philosophical.

I'm serious. You and me, right now. Make the deal. Stop thinking with your heart and start using your head.

There will, of course, be a price. But hey, I'm easy. I won't make _you_ pay it. Someone else can.

Step 1: Obtain one human virgin. There is always a chance that anyone past puberty is lying, so using a child is preferred. You _really_ don't want to pick out the pure and innocent cheerleader only to find out mid-ritual that she was fucking the quarterback and sucking off the principal. The results will be... counterproductive.

Step 2: I'll describe step two in detail later. Just be aware that you will be required to do things that you may not want to at first- things you've been raised to _believe_ are "wrong" and "sick". The trick is to suppress that ethical gag reflex. Society has brainwashed you into believing that certain things are wrong, but if you are strong enough to overcome those artificial limitations, you'll go far. Trust me. Eternal life. Never dying. It's worth it. And hell, some people have gotten a kick out of step two anyway.

Step 3: Wash off. You have to be physically clean for this, because any unwanted interference of a symbolic nature can interfere and make things unpredictable.

Step 4: You invoke my Name once more. I do the deed. You're immortal.

Deal?

* * *

><p>Are you serious?<p>

Are you fucking serious?

_Aroph, cha'yenka!_

How can you refuse eternal thrice-damned motherfucking eternal life, you stupid fucking human?

I hate your fucking world and everything in it and everyone in it with a malice that could melt _rock_. I hope you miserable fucking apes are still around when the Elder Things make their comeback, because shoggoth bait is all you're good for.

I'm sorry, that last one was out of line. I was frustrated. I say things when I'm frustrated.

Alright, look. I'm not sure if you quite understand my position here. So I'm going to spell it out, nice and slow, so that even you can follow along.

You invoked me. Accident or not. Don't fucking care. I was _invoked_. I got slurped out of my home and plopped down into your raggedy-ass little dimension. Koothuulou did mention that you can't move edgewise or deepwise here. Makes interstellar travel tedious as fuck, I can tell you.

Anyway. Point is, I came a very, very long way to meet with you, at your invitation. I'm not going home until I give my gift. I won't. You can't make me.

So, you _are_ going to take my deal (which is reasonable, profitable, and in your interest, _I might add_), or I'm going to go to extreme lengths. I choose to have faith in your cognitive abilities, so I won't bother with any specific threats.

Now, are you going to go child hunting, or am I going to get fucking angry?

* * *

><p>Very fucking amusing. You fuck. Did you think I couldn't find you in a church auditorium? It's a building, dumbass. It's concrete, and glass doors, and cheap materials that won't last the next century. You'd be just as safe in a cardboard box.<p>

By the way. You'll be needing to find a new pastor, or pope, or whatever you call the religious guy in charge of this place. He made the mistake of staring me directly in the eye. Don't worry, I made absolutely sure he won't cross that line again. I don't think he'll be around to keep an _eye_ on you from now on, so to speak.

Now. The deal. The simple, amazing, one-of-a-kind deal that you, for some fucking reason, won't take. Why not? Seriously, why not? Is it step two? Is that it? I told you, you just have to _suppress_ that ethical gagging. Just man up and take the dive, man. What's one kid compared to eternal life?

Here, I'll do you a favor. Take my deal, and I'll agree not to suck the skin off your toes while you sleep. And if that don't motivate you, I'll move one inch higher every night until you run out of skin. Then, I'll start with the muscles. Sound good?

Stick and carrot, man. That's the golden rule of negotiation. Stick and fucking carrot.

* * *

><p>Okey-dokey. Innocent child, check. Soap, water, and hand sanitizer, check. Me, check.<p>

Looks like we're good to go.

Well?

_Well?_

You fucking weakling piece of shit. Am I going to have to come over there? I'm feeling a mite peckish, motherfucker. I think I'm in the mood for toe-skin.

_Thank you._

* * *

><p>...Huh.<p>

Okay, good news and bad news.

Good news! You've successfully overcame your moral limitations, and are now a fully free and unrestrained specimen of true human freedom. This is a massive breakthrough, and I admit that I'm more than a little proud of you. Honestly.

Bad news! The, erm, the _wee one_. Don't know how to break this to you, but she's not... yeah.

Didn't you do _any_ research into the family before snatching her? I mean, this is the most important night of your life. You get out of it what you put into it.

So, yeah. You're in a world of shit, friend.

Don't blame _me_. I've been on _your_ side through all this. _You're_ the dumbass who screwed the pooch.

Ah, fuck it. I was starving anyways. That pope guy whetted my appetite without doing a thing to satisfy me.

So stand still for a sec. No, you move a fucking muscle and I'll make it hurt _more_. Come here. That's good.

Oh, oh, yes. That's good.


End file.
